Sup Bitches: S'keletor

This post is slightly overdue - I probably should have written it about 1.5 years ago when I moved to the top of a giant outdoor escalator and started referring to my house as "upstairs" and Central Hong Kong as "downstairs." However, I could never quite find the inspiration, and every time I thought about something to say about the escalator I couldn't get We All Live in a Yellow Submarine out of my head. If that doesn't make sense to you you've obviously never considered replacing "in a Yellow Submarine" with "at the Top of a Giant Escalator."

Escalator at Mosque Street

Some fun facts abut the escalator: The Central Mid-Levels escalator is the longest outdoor covered escalator system in the world with a total combined length of 800 meters. This begs the obvious question - is there a longer outdoor non-covered escalator system? Is there a longer indoor escalator system? I haven't found a clear answer to that question, and there is no Council on Long Escalators, but if there is one that's longer, you can rest assured it's in *Dubai*. Actually, it's probably called the Dubai International Sheer Decadence Escalator of Wealth and it's probably located in place of a ski lift at an indoor ski hill. And it's probably bankrupt. If you want to do know more pointless facts concerning long escalators, feel free to check out the s elf-appointed authority on long escalator's blog titled "Life in the Fast Lane", whose life, btw, cannot possibly be in that fast of a lane if he has this much time to devote to internet research about escalators.

As I was saying, the escalator in Hong Kong was built in 1993 to connect the central business district with the mid-levels (where I live). My recent enthusiasm for writing about this monument to human sloth has to do with the fact that the escalator runs down in the morning from 6:00 am to 10:00 am to take everyone down to work, and up the rest of the day (until midnight), to take everyone back home. So basically, it's like a school bus for investment bankers.

So, I recently started a new experiment called "What happens when you stop being a degenerate for a while and start getting up before 8:30 am on weekdays." My control group is the last year of my life. Part of the experiment also involves going to the gym, which is "downstairs." If you've been paying attention, you now know that this means the escalator is running down, and I have to walk all the way back up the hill! This is a major tragedy, because it means that I actually have to exert physical effort, which as we all know, is why I went to the gym in the first place, so really I...shouldn't care? Honestly, I'd be lying if I told you I haven't seriously considered taking a taxi up. But if it makes you feel any better at least I don't go to the gym to do stairmaster? No? Ok well it was worth a shot.

There are many techniques for riding the escalator, most of which are extremely annoying to everyone around you. If you are an expat, then you probably walk as fast as you can up the left side of the escalator, swinging your multiple bags on your right arm, and hitting everyone as you walk past. If you are a local, then you probably stand exactly in the middle of the escalator so that no one can get by on either side, screaming to your companion in Cantonese. The other tried and true local method is to "walk" on the left side at a pace that is approximately 1/8 the speed of normal walking. Regardless of your chosen method, and especially if you are a local, it's established practice to make sure that you take long pauses to think or talk about your plans at the place where you take your first step off of each separate escalator. This ensures that no one else can get off the escalator at all. Bonus points for stopping to talk AND spending 45 seconds opening your umbrella, even though the distance between covered segments is less than ten feet.